Monday, April 21, 2014

Walking into the Now...

I woke up this morning with the sound of the rain pounding on my windows.  It’s been like this for several days now. The rain waking me up.  The questions running through my mind. Questions of life. Questions of love.  Questions of purpose.  The blood moon brought upon me a disappointment. My eyes were closed and my heart was sore.  At 2:42 am I suddenly opened my eyes and slowly crept outside and began to weep as I looked up at the most magnificent red moon.  How can a God that makes such beautiful things allow us to hurt?  I stood there barefoot in my pajamas wedged in between two cars and prayed.  I asked the God of beautiful things why I haven’t found what I am seeking.  I didn’t get the answer that night.  I walked back into the house, crawled back into my bed and looked at my beautiful blond beauty who was peacefully sleeping.  Her long lashes. Her red cheeks. Her perfect lips open just a bit to get a hint of her tiny baby teeth. I kissed her soft forehead and in that moment told God "I don’t know what you are doing but I am trusting.  I am finally trusting the journey."

Morning came.  My eyes swollen from the night before.  My head feeling so big with thoughts, questions and no one to comfort me with closure.   What I had this morning I hadn’t had the night before.  It was peace.  I had peace in my heart.  A peace that despite my hurt I trusted in something bigger.  I felt stronger. I felt growth.  Not a growth that came over night but a growth that took a while.  I kept thinking of the quote “You are exactly where you need to be."  A year in a half ago when I was sitting in the court room waiting for my divorce to be final I sarcastically told myself “really! I am exactly where I need to be?”  How can it be so.  I’m hurt. I’m lonely. I’m disappointed.  Today I realize that in that moment I was exactly where I needed to be.  Growth is a process.  Life is a journey.  That day has given me strength to be where ever I am at in life.  I never thought that a moment in the court house would give me the strength to deal with situations that I have faced.  So you see every event that might look like a tragedy is only inspiration to do better.  To question life.  To question love and to question purpose.  Questioning is never a bad thing.  It means you’re aware.  It means if you don’t like something you have the choice to change.  To become better.  To become more compassiate. To love more. 

Your journey has molded you for your greater good,
and it was exactly what it needed to be. 
Don't think that you've lost time.
It took each and every situation you have encountered
to bring you to the now.
And NOW is right on time.
- Asha Tyson

1 comment:

  1. All i have to say is, that was beautiful. I felt everything you felt and i can't express how great you are.