Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Cheers to New Beginnings

As with any
Who you
with can
be more
than your

She has Blossomed
She is a Warrior

It's been a journey from Separation to
                                       Moving in with my parents to
                                       Traveling to
                                       Divorce to
                                       Dating to
I can close my eyes and remember each situation.  I made sure that I was present in every melt down and in every happy moment.  I made sure I felt what I needed to feel to help me grow and move forward. 

In just 7 days I take yet another step forward on my journey.  I will move out on my own with my daughter.  Alone.  No partner to see me through my bad days.  No one to help Danicah with her homework while I cook dinner and no one to hand me the towel  when I forget to bring it in the bathroom. 

Am I scared? Yes.

Am I excited? Yes.

My own place. My own home.   

You see I'm on a journey and every day is another chance to be born again to make things right.  Along with my move I have committed to health goals, spiritual goals and deep personal goals. It's different this time.  I can feel the strength that I've obtained.  Through every plane ride, car ride,  meeting with the attorney, tears and smiles I was growing.  I didn't know it at the time but the tears were just watering my soul. It will be almost two years in July when I made changes for a better and more complete life.  Changes to manifest only good and positivity.  When someone is determined not much can stop them. Every day I will clean out  the old  and start new.

This past weekend I went on a spiritual retreat.  I went in with an open heart and no expectations.  I spoke to women who were hurting, who were lost who needed guidance.

I didn't cry. I wasn't lost. I wasn't in pain. I had an Aha Moment.  I was at Peace.
It got me to thinking of one of my favorite passages:

"She who is centered can go where she wishes without danger.  She perceives the universal harmony, even amid great pain, because she has found peace in her heart."

I was at peace.  I know what peace feels like. So right now I'm going to sit in this space because it feels oh so good.

I'll leave you with a few inspiring words from my sister who wrote me this letter before I left on my retreat.  As she hopes these things for me I transfer them out into the world.

I only hope of these things.  I hope you continue to hold on to the good in this world as you have taught me and those closest around you.  I hope your light forever shines and never dims.  I hope your love grows passionately and deeper than it's ever been. I hope you continue to have faith in those who hurt you and never give up on them that they will become better people.  I hope you never fall into the darkness of this cruel and dark world and that you will forever see it's beauty and embrace it's presence as you have.  How you see the beauty in the ugly is truly remarkable.  You have touched so many in this world.

You are LOVE.

When I think of courage I think of you.  You are a pioneer and amazing at being an older sister.  I almost think you were born to guide me.

Thank you to my beautiful sister.  Thank you to all of my friends and family who have held my hand, shared hugs, wiped tears, cried and laughed with me. 

Now in the words of my dearest Maya Angelou " I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch.  You've got to go out and kick ass." 

Here is to kicking Ass !!!! xoxo

Monday, April 21, 2014

Walking into the Now...

I woke up this morning with the sound of the rain pounding on my windows.  It’s been like this for several days now. The rain waking me up.  The questions running through my mind. Questions of life. Questions of love.  Questions of purpose.  The blood moon brought upon me a disappointment. My eyes were closed and my heart was sore.  At 2:42 am I suddenly opened my eyes and slowly crept outside and began to weep as I looked up at the most magnificent red moon.  How can a God that makes such beautiful things allow us to hurt?  I stood there barefoot in my pajamas wedged in between two cars and prayed.  I asked the God of beautiful things why I haven’t found what I am seeking.  I didn’t get the answer that night.  I walked back into the house, crawled back into my bed and looked at my beautiful blond beauty who was peacefully sleeping.  Her long lashes. Her red cheeks. Her perfect lips open just a bit to get a hint of her tiny baby teeth. I kissed her soft forehead and in that moment told God "I don’t know what you are doing but I am trusting.  I am finally trusting the journey."

Morning came.  My eyes swollen from the night before.  My head feeling so big with thoughts, questions and no one to comfort me with closure.   What I had this morning I hadn’t had the night before.  It was peace.  I had peace in my heart.  A peace that despite my hurt I trusted in something bigger.  I felt stronger. I felt growth.  Not a growth that came over night but a growth that took a while.  I kept thinking of the quote “You are exactly where you need to be."  A year in a half ago when I was sitting in the court room waiting for my divorce to be final I sarcastically told myself “really! I am exactly where I need to be?”  How can it be so.  I’m hurt. I’m lonely. I’m disappointed.  Today I realize that in that moment I was exactly where I needed to be.  Growth is a process.  Life is a journey.  That day has given me strength to be where ever I am at in life.  I never thought that a moment in the court house would give me the strength to deal with situations that I have faced.  So you see every event that might look like a tragedy is only inspiration to do better.  To question life.  To question love and to question purpose.  Questioning is never a bad thing.  It means you’re aware.  It means if you don’t like something you have the choice to change.  To become better.  To become more compassiate. To love more. 

Your journey has molded you for your greater good,
and it was exactly what it needed to be. 
Don't think that you've lost time.
It took each and every situation you have encountered
to bring you to the now.
And NOW is right on time.
- Asha Tyson

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

HOPE: Hold On Pain Ends

He saw hope in my eyes.  Even in this darkness I held on to the hope that one day things will be clearer and that I would finally be at peace.
Chaos consumed my mind.  Pain and hurt pierced my heart.  I needed to get away.  I needed to go to a place with no agenda but to relax and clear my head.  I chose Nature.  It's one of the places that I can go to quite my mind.
No judgments. No pressures. Just me embodied in a place where God created for me.  Just for me.  He knew that nature would be the only thing to help me breathe again. 
Just me
the birds
the trees
the lizards running through blades of grass.
The water jumping at my skin as I carefully walked through it. 
My Healer.

I looked up through the trees and directly into the sun light.  The answer had been there all along. Lori chose not to acknowledge what she already knew, but when you live your life with awareness you can't help but see it.  A friend of mine once told me "Once you become aware, you can't go back." I can't go back.  I can't do anything anymore that doesn't fit right with my soul.  With all that I am.

That weekend I wished that the rain would have washed away  all of my pain but it didn't; for that I have to work on myself.

I must remember to take one step at a time.  The seeker in me needs to calm down. To relax.  To realize that this is a transition and that one day I will briefly look back and be grateful for my pain for it eventually led to joy. 

Because even in moments when you don't think you are moving forward, you really are.